


Lament Celebration

by godlessAdversary, Ralte



Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series), Hellraiser (Movies)
Genre: Christmas, Comedy, Crossover, Drama, F/F, Friendship, Hell, Holidays, Hollywood, Hotels, Humor, M/M, Redemption, Volunteer Work, damnation, horror movies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 21:20:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21905515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/godlessAdversary/pseuds/godlessAdversary, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ralte/pseuds/Ralte
Summary: "This is a season of love, hope and peace, but also a season of cold, darkness and ghost stories. Join the Happy Hotel crew in this holiday special wrote entirely in rhyme. Also, theres a special guest that is a demon to some, but a fashion babe to others."
Relationships: Charlie Magne/Vaggie
Kudos: 6





	Lament Celebration

**Author's Note:**

> **godlessAdversary: “Welcome to our Hazbin Hotel Christmas Special, folks! My writing partner and I wrote this entire story in rhyme!  
>  Ralte: “Hazbin Hotel is a good story, and it’s good to try something else besides adapting Christmas classics like Christmas Carol and The Grinch.”  
> godlessAdversary: “Speaking of Christmas classics, which Christmas movie is your favorite?”  
> Ralte: “I like The Nightmare Before Christmas. It’s the best Christmas movie ever.”  
> godlessAdversary: “I don’t know. I think Tokyo Godfathers is better.”  
> Ralte: “Oh really?”  
> godlessAdversary: “Really.”  
> Ralte: *Laughs awkwardly.*  
> godlessAdversary: *Laughs awwkwardly.*  
> Ralte: “Your betrayal won’t be forgiven! PERSONA” *summons Moon Knight.*  
> godlessAdversary: “PERSONA!” *Summons Hamilton.*  
> Ralte: While we decide which movie is better and the winner will be “Nightmare Before Christmas” go ahead dear reader and read this poem.”  
> godlessAdversary: “And return afterwards to see the glorious victory of Tokyo Godfathers!”  
> Ralte: “NEVER!  
> godlessAdversary: “Before we start our fight: We want to thank ultrabud2 for proof-reading our poem here.  
> Ralte: “Yes, exactly. Now let us fight.”**

_It was a dark and stormy night  
Everyone in hell was in a plight  
That is rather normal in this place  
It is a punishment, not a grace_

_Through amoral streets and hellish highways  
Demons and sinners counted their last days  
Just a few months and all will be over  
So why even care? Why even bother? _

_But one cared in a hotel  
Charlie, Crown Princess of hell  
Hazbin was there to reform  
Whoever got astray in the virtuous form_

_“Today is Christmas! I am so excited!”  
Said Charlie with smile that enlightened  
“Winter Holidays with friends till the year ends!  
Angel and Alastor, and my sweet precious girlfriend!”_

_“It didn’t snow today here  
Frozen corpses are still on the street.”  
Mentioned Husk, lover of cheap booze and beer  
He was a cat demon, one that radiated defeat_

_Hell is a horrible place with horrible characters  
But somehow there can be a home, even for spiders  
“Hello, motherfuckers!” said Angel Dust  
“I brought tequila. Who is ready for shots?”_

_“Do you have Absinth?” asked the Cockroach  
Nifty, who was as cute as a little brooch  
“A proper lady only drinks certain beverages”  
Explained the demon in the most old ladylike coverage_

_“Charlie, the buñuelos are hot and ready”  
Said Vaggie while holding a tray with the pastry  
“There’s cocoa and cookies in the kitchen  
and the hell turkey has been beaten”_

_“A splendid feast, a good holy night”  
So said Alastor, Radio Demon, Head of PR  
“A shame we will still be in plight”  
In hell only there pre-redemption Grinches are_

_The Happy Hotel may not be successful  
But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t graceful  
While millions of demons scammed, raped and murdered  
Charlie’s eclectic friends caroled, laughed and feasted_

_“Christmas is for many a merry  
But the flesh forces me to stay wary”  
Said an arrival from nothing to everyone’s sights  
It was Pinhead, the most famous of the Cenobites!_

_He was a dark being from the mind of Barker  
Nails on his head and the fashion of a slasher  
His face was as pale as the ashes of the dead  
And he was still waiting for the call from Spade_

_“Freddy Krueger, what are you doing here?  
I thought you only appeared in dreams”  
Blasted Niffty full of curious cheers  
And to top it off, it ended with fangirly screams_

_“I am not Freddy, girl with one eye  
My name is Pinhead, the greatest cenobite  
Master of pain, follower of Leviatha  
And even as famous as Count Dracula.”_

_”How is Leviathan, the old Cockalorum?”  
Asked Alastor now with some euphorum  
“Last time we met, it was during the 2225th Battle of Greed  
I slung a sack of money there and knocked out all his teeth.”_

_“He hasn’t forgotten your offenses, you annoying troll  
But I am not here for him. I am here to save my soul  
You see, I require the help from the Princess of Hell  
To redeem my soul and get out of my prison cell.”_

_Charlie’s jaw almost dropped to the floor  
Here it was, the big paydirt on her door  
If she managed to rehabilitate him  
Her project could get legitimacy to the brim_

_“Yours is a lucky day, Mister Pinhead!  
I will show you your room with a comfy bed  
And today is Christmas, with dinner at nine  
And as yuletide courtesy, here’s a Cosmo zine!”_

_Everyone else was flabbergasted  
Especially Vaggie, but she was also leery  
“Is this a trick, are you here to mislead?  
A high-level demon like you doesn’t change easy”_

_“Don’t misunderstand, gray skinned woman  
I am a misanthrope and hate every damned human  
However, I seek redemption for a grand and noble cause  
The Hellraiser franchise burns because of damned copyrights!_

_The others could only agree to that  
Husk: “The later movies were just cheap cash grabs”  
Alastor: “Or Ash Cans to keep the rights in their hands”  
Charlie: “Without any intention for really ambitious movie plans”_

_“My franchise is ruined, an aimless Frankenstein  
If only I could slash the evil bastard Weinstein  
But no matter if I win, the damage is already done  
The fate of the Cenobites has been written in stone”_

_The reason was not the best  
But still, for Charlie counted the interest  
Get him to feel remorse for his deeds of evil  
And he may ascend his way to paradise like an eagle_

_“Mister Pinhead, your goals may be selfish  
but I promise your soul isn’t hopeless  
Rehabilitation is possible, you can be nice  
Though, I need my friend Alastor’s advice”_

_Alastor: “You know I have no hopes for salvation”  
Charlie: “Yes, but I am trying to make a connection  
And you can help me understand this powerful sinner  
Too much is happening before the Christmas dinner”_

_Alastor: “We could hire the IMPs and get rid of copyright holders”  
Charlie: “That would be sinful to do and not helpful to others”  
Alastor: “We could use antitrust measures to spread the legal rights”  
Husk: “Sharing is clearly the nightmare of a capitalist ass”_

_While Charlie and Alastor were talking  
Vaggie showed the World War I veteran their offering  
“A mix of regret, good deeds and spirituality  
Is this hotel’s plan to help you, our strategy_

_Pinhead: “What good can I do in afterlife?”  
Vaggie: “Help the weak who suffer strife  
Ease their suffering and fight back their tormentors  
Fight those who are evil oppressors.”_

_Pinhead nodded, and left the building  
A short time later on TV, Katie Killjoy was casting:  
“Pinhead, leader of the Cenobites  
Cut several powerful Demons into stripes.”_

_Katie continued: “To the surprise of many  
He took care of the ones they tormented and led them to safety.”  
Charlie didn’t know exactly if that would redeem or damn him more  
But she thought (and hoped) he was slightly more redeemed than before._

_Nifty: “I can’t believe Mr. Krueger killed all those lords!”  
Angel: “Wait does this mean Valentino is off the chessboard?  
Huh, I guess I no longer have a boss  
Good grief, that isn’t a big loss”_

_Pinhead: “Does that count as a good deed, Miss Gray Skin?”  
The hotel crew turned around to see the dark being  
Pinhead: “I believe that counts as helping the weak  
Seems more efficient than turning the other cheek.”_

_”They will not stay down forever but for a long time”  
Alastor reminded them with this rhyme.  
Grinning, he added next with charm and style:  
“Now come on, I want to see Mr. Needles’ next trial“_

_After this unusual type of a virtuous act  
Meditation with Charlie was the next in the tact  
The Hellspawn was experienced with this technique  
Developed new forms of torture/pleasure during it to be fresh and unique_

_Next, the cenobite and Vaggie helped the homeless  
Offering soup and clothes with such wholesomeness  
The moment was ruined by Blitzo mocking them  
Pinhead just threatened with flaying him_

_Vaggie: “No flaying and no dismembering”  
Pinhead: “Then how do you suggest proceeding?”  
Vaggie: “Ahem, Blitzo, Stolas misses your behind!”  
Blitzo: “Aaaaaaah It was one time! Just one time!”_

_Next Pinhead and Angel Dust protected prostitutes  
From evil Pimps, Serial Killers and corrupt cops  
“Weren’t you a prostitute yourself in a way, Pini?”  
“One could say that, but my payment was more than just pricey”_

_Angel Dust, punching a Ripper Wannabe into dreamland  
Showed Pinhead a certain golden box he suddenly had in his hand  
“I got my hands on one of these but they do not work for me  
I just want to feel one time this incredible pleasure and agony.”_

_Pinhead: “You lusty demon got a Lament Configuration?  
Solving those requires great levels of determination  
And you also need to still have mortal flesh”  
Angel: “Oh rats! What a fucking piece of shit!”_

_Coming up next was urban rejuvenation with Nifty  
The cockroach was gonna make everything pretty  
Nifty: “We have so much blood to clean Mr. Krueger”  
Pinhead: “Usually my job is the opposite when I appear”_

_Cleaning the neighborhood was kind of fun  
Even if some onlookers said Pinhead was dumb  
“Hey Pinhead, you’re broke after Stephan Smith Collins?”  
Nifty took care of the teasers with some kicks to their bollins._

_”Sorry for that, some critics attack the wrong man”  
Assured Nifty the famous horror monster quick and certain  
“I just want to end my movie career with dignity  
I just want nobody anymore to suffer through me.”_

_As for environmentalism, Husk and recycling  
Husk: “This will make the blonde stop nagging  
I already had all these bottles laying around  
Though 5 cents for that isn’t worth a pound”_

_Pinhead: “Maybe I can help with a little green  
I still get royalties every Halloween  
There’re benefits to all my shitty movies  
Maybe we can donate to Team Trees”_

_The last to help Pinhead with the virtuous thing  
Was Alastor, with the voice of old charming static sublime  
“I do not know much about being friendly or altruistic  
But I am someone they say is charismatic.”_

_”So, listen up Pincushion of Pains  
Try the soothing aspect, relax their brains”  
So, Pinhead tried it with his deep sexy/scary vocals  
To try and relax the stressed locals_

_Pinhead: “Once upon a dark and cold solstice…”  
Pinhead’s poetry gave everyone a strange rigor mortis  
To be specific, in their more intimate parts  
One could hear Rosie screaming through her climax_

_By the time of New Year, things were going well  
Pinhead had improved a little piece of Hell  
However, someone on Earth wasn’t happy about this  
Evil wanted Pinhead to be in the deepest abyss_

_Angel Dust and Pinhead didn’t knew  
They were preoccupied with brewing stew  
Angel Dust: “Have you ever met your famous colleagues?”  
Pinhead: “Yes, if you mean the ones who pile bodies_

_”Freddy Krueger is creepy, Jason Vorhees a killjoy  
Leatherface a stupid inbreed, Myers is a 1 trick boy  
Slenderman is overrated and Fazbear has too much happening  
Sadako has style and Kayako is direct and unrelenting_

_Angel: “It sounds like you have so many cool friends”  
Pinhead: “They are all just stupid psychos and fiends  
No connection can be made with knife nuts”  
“So… what about making some new buds?”_

_“You want to fraternize with me, spider?”  
“You are the most fashionable slasher  
I am seriously one of your biggest fans”  
One could say the two were holding hands_

_Charlie was happy about the developments  
The Black Pope of Hell and Angel Dust were now friends  
“Everything comes together, Hazbin’s first salvation is near  
We will begin a new age of change and vanquish fear”_

_”Great word, great goals my Crown-Princess”  
The great Speaker Alastor articulated with finesse  
“But I am sure there will be a final test for the Dark Prince of Pain  
Will he choose salvation or decide that hell will get him a better gain?“_

_And just as the cannibal radio host said that  
A group of men in black showed up at night  
They approached Pinhead with a machine  
He knew who was in the TV screen_

_Weinstein: “Hello, Pinhead darling, it has been a long time”  
The producer was in prison, paying for his crimes  
“I have heard you are seeking your own redemption  
You should know that is a contract transgression”_

_”Fire me, I do not care, you miserable rapist”  
Said Pinhead clearly and as quick as Bruce Lee’s fist.  
“My movies are terrible and my conscious is… strange  
Now stay away from me, I don’t enjoy this exchange“_

_Weinstein just smiled, teeth like a shark  
“I get what I want, don’t try to be smart”  
The demons in black drew their guns  
AD was faster and gave them three perforated lungs_

_Angel: “I have fought with literal loan sharks, you fool  
Your thugs can’t fight a gangster from old school”  
Weinstein: “I didn’t want to go this far, Pinhead  
But I have no choice left”_

_“I will offer you a deal for your own satisfaction  
I will offer Blumhouse a chance for an adaptation  
Hellraiser could return greater than ever before  
The price would be to serve as my master of gore”_

_The tumult drew the attention of the other staff  
Vaggie came in, and saw the bodies perforated by Dust  
“What is going on?” demanded the Latina to know, drawing her spear  
Ramming it another goon attacking her through the rear_

_”As I suspected, the temptation is here”  
Explained the Radio Demon, bringing terror and fear  
Over the goons who recognized him as someone dreaded  
The other brutes attacked and got shredded_

_Meanwhile, the slasher was having an internal debate  
In front of him was presented a chance in a silver plate  
He could revive his career with the help of Peele  
But deep down, he knew this couldn’t be real_

_Pinhead: “Weinstein, would the source material be respected?”  
Weinstein: “Of course, everything will be specially selected  
Even those comics with that lovely grunt Atkins”  
Pinhead felt a deep chill in his undead skin_

_Charlie had heard the Conversation  
Came out of hiding and pleaded with conviction:  
“You are so close, the redemption near. Don’t do it  
I beg you, better movies aren’t worth it even a bit”_

_The others had come to the fight as well  
Razzle & Dazzle brought their enemies quick knell  
Husk came bottles smashing and Nifty swung a magic wand  
A unorthodox one, that shot laser beams at the damned_

_Pinhead: “Charlie, I have already stated that I despise humanity  
All my good deeds have been done for nothing but pure vanity  
However, Hollywood’s elite has no respect for horror  
Barely nominating for Oscars, there’s no honor!”_

_And so the supreme cenobite slaughtered all the brutes  
Leaving a grumpy Weinstein without any reboots  
Weinstein: “You think you have won, you pathetic old slasher!”  
The TV pointed a gun and took hostage the gay spider_

_”A gun can’t kill him, you stupid rapist”  
Charlie menacingly summarized the gist  
“Alastor, Vaggie, cover me, be quick  
You will curse this day you challenged us, you Nitwit_

_In turn, the TV turned out to be a battle suit  
In it was the real Weinstein, in this very minute  
“I am neither stupid and the rape allegations are untrue  
That stupid bitch just wanted fame and a good revenue”_

_“You see, I am a fucking rich man with assets  
I can even get access to divine gadgets  
Like an angel gun smuggled from the Vatican  
So give up or I will shoot the spider guy”_

_Alastor: “The rapist isn’t lying, my folks  
That gun can shoot powerful divine bolts”  
Angel: “You have to be kidding, red!”  
Alastor: “It’s perma death, my friend.”_

_Charlie was helpless, any action now was too risky  
It was the now Pinhead’s decision, Husk drank a Whisky  
“I don’t want to be anyone’s slave anymore  
That is why I say to you Violator: Nevermore.“_

_But before anyone could be really shocked by this, he added true:  
“But I was also too much drawn in by evil after movie two  
And for some reason, I like that indulgence obsessed Spiderman  
Take me you violator but let him be free again.“_

_Pinhead approached the armored producer  
He then sighed and looked at the hooker  
Pinhead: “This is where we part ways, my friend.”  
Angel: “No no no! This can’t be the end!”_

_Just before Weinstein would take Pinhead with him  
The gun in his hand was melted by a powerful light beam  
“ELLIOT SPENCER!” said an echoing voice  
“YOU HAVE TAKEN YOUR CHOICE”_

_”Who is this loud guy with the light?”  
Wanted Nifty to know, not feeling any plight  
“I AM THE GODDAMNED GOD DAMNED SOUL”  
“Morgan Freeman, it is a pleasure to meet you”_

_The Creator sighed and continued with the important dance  
“SPENCER; WILLING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LAST CHANCE  
TO RESCUE THIS PORNSTAR MAFIOSI FROM CESSATION  
AND NOW HEAVEN SHALL BE YOUR FINAL DESTINATION_

_Charlie squealed in enjoyment  
Alastor couldn’t believe the development  
Vaggie had her mouth wide agape  
And Husk drank an absinth bottle like a suicidal ape_

_“AS FOR THE RAPIST WHO STOLE A RELIC”  
The sky began to get shattered by something demonic  
A giant ominous diamond appeared over the hotel  
It is Leviathan, ruler of the Cenobite part of Hell_

_Leviathan: “What do you want now, you golden headed geezer?”  
God: “YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO PUNISH THE PRODUCER”  
“Finally! I am so sick of that guy!  
He is nothing but a filthy fly!”_

_The diamond blasted Weinstein with a black light  
Weinstein: “You can’t do this! I own your copyrights!”  
Leviathan: “You own nothing, I am public domain, you fool!  
From Hobbes to Shin Megami Tensei, I am so cool!”_

_Weinstein screamed in terror, this black light was maddening  
“I am the Hollywood Master, nothing can stop me, this isn’t happening  
Leviathan: “Nothing is forever, you foolish raping mortal  
Now face your doom, your sins and a terrible punishment in total.”_

_Pinhead was flying up, towards the paradise  
Angel Dust cried: “I will miss you, you sexy Geist”  
Elliot: “Let me be honest, my indulgent friend:  
I will miss you and I hope to see you as well repent_

_And so, the hellish skies cleared and Pinhead was gone  
Alastor: “Wait a fricking second! Hold on!  
Does this mean I was wrong all this time?”  
Alastor was trying hard to keep his smile_

_Charlie: “Maybe this means you can get redemption too”  
Charlie thought she had changed his worldview  
Alastor: “Maybe, but I think I will stay with you guys  
Taking this ride has been really wise”_

_”NOW GO IN PEACE MY CHILDREN  
ENJOY THIS YULE WITH NEW HOPE IS BUILDING  
CHARLIE, YOU WILL BRING HOPE TO GEHENNA  
NOW EXCUSE ME, I’M OVERTHINKING THE DESTRUCTION OF ALABAMA”_

_And with these words, God left AD’S Homestead.  
Yet before Leviathan was going as well, he said:  
“You cost me my best agent, Daughter of Lucifer  
Don’t think I will forget this too soon, you ambitious newcomer_

_With that, the giant scary diamond took Weinstein and levitated away  
And Charlie realized it was New Year’s first day  
Charlie: “I still can’t believe we actually did it”  
Vaggie: “Everything went fine, just for a bit._

_The two girlfriends kissed to celebrate  
However, enjoyment of their moment had to wait  
In front of the hotel there was a long line of slashers  
Carrie, Amanda, Rin Yamaoka and other monsters_

_Alastor shrugged his shoulders, sitting down at his table  
Microphone ready to help with any announcement he was able  
“Today in Hades we all probably saw a true miracle  
Something we thought in hell would be too whimsical“_

_”A drug addicted Spider rescued an especially damned soul  
Elliot Spencer was salvated out of this wretched shoal  
There is hope, for us all if Pinhead was granted the absolve of light  
So I wish you all a merry Christmas and to all a good night.“_

**Author's Note:**

> **Hatoralo: “Our first Hazbin Hotel/Hellraiser Poem Collab has ended.  
>  godlessAdversary: “So… who won?”  
> Ralte: “After we made to factions of orcs attack each other things got weird.”  
> godlessAdversary: “Maybe we are in a tie? I called the Mandalorian to kill you, but now he is making out with Samus Aran. How did you got her number?”  
> Ralte: “It was a long story involving the Transformers forums.”  
> godlessAdversary: “I think David Willis commented about that.”  
> Ralte: “Can you unsummon Satanael? He has been drunk for most of our fight and now he is now walking towards the White House.”  
> godlessAdversary: “Oh my stars! He one shot Trump’s limousine! And his office! That is awesome!”  
> Ralte: “Who would have thought this would happen after we began arguing over Christmas movies? Well, this has been a… different kind of Christmas, folks. I hope you all are having fun this season.”  
> godlessAdversary: “And to those that don’t celebrate Christmas, happy Winter Solstice, happy Hanukkah, happy Yule, happy Gristmas, happy Hogswatch, happy Nondescript Winter Holiday, and happy Star Wars Day!”  
> Ralte: “Oh gods! Satanael is now vomiting over the Smithsonian!”  
> godlessAdversary: “Good grief!”**


End file.
